Hi everyone -
Posted about this on my blog, but wanted to let you guys know what was up :
Got hit by a truck while out for an evening walk on Sunday. I'm okay overall, but my left knee got pretty banged up and I lost some teeth as well. Other than general soreness, I am physically okay and obviously pretty fucking lucky.
I won the fight with the truck, it was the 180 in the air and splashdown on the pavement with the right side of my face that gave me a bit of trouble. ;)
Anyway, happy New Year to all. Be safe and well.
Much love,
Soli.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Happy NEW vampire
Happy new year i welcome .. 2009.
2008 was great but actually long and painful
vee.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Next
Well, I got about 4 more days to do the Jesus bit. I think we need to figure out who's to be the new year Jesus. :D Somebody volunteer and Crys will take care of the details. She's good at details. Do hurry deciding though as she's taking off to the hot springs on Tuesday.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Happy new year a few daze early
We'll be traveling a bit over the next ten days, in and out, here and there ... so we wanted to make sure to wish everyone a good, safe and happy new year. We look forward to blossoming Emisphor into a whole nother world in the months ahead!
Loveliz
Loveliz
Finally
Finally, an x-mas to celebrate.
I've been an atheist for nearly my lifetime and Nino is agnostic. My mother was born a Buddhist and my father was a marginal Protestant. As a child, we celebrated x-mas not as a religious holiday, but as a consumer holiday. After my dad passed in 1977, my older sister took x-mas to new heights - a real tree (we always had a fake), evergreen wreaths, mondo decoration. This never sat well with me. Things became decidedly lower key when she moved out; but we still had the presents, spending, chaos. When first my mom (2002) then Nino's mom (2003) and finally his dad (2006) passed, Christmas faded to just stockings, a small silver tinsel tree and purchasing a single "big ticket" item for ourselves online.
Yesterday was a x-mas milestone. We did not exchange gifts. We did not decorate. We did not hang stockings. And I couldn't be happier. I still want to choke people who opine that x-mas is "not a religious holiday" but a celebration of the season. Hmm. I don't think many Jews and Muslims would agree. And, really, I don't think there's much to celebrate in this frozen wasteland (white x-mases are highly overrated).
From now on, our winter holiday will be celebrated on the Winter Solstice, in a low-key, non-consumer fashion. Yes, I will probably still send out holiday/solstice cards (didn't this year, tho), and get together with friends/family for meals as we did yesterday. But I'll feel less of a hypocrite.
Bah-humbug, indeed.
No end in sight this morning
I know this will pass.
Yesterday my sis in law and niece got here from Denver. They arrived around 5 or 6 and as I was going out to help carry things in sis in law tells me that the car just died. This is the car I got her and fixed up and then last week put $450 in. Then I get told by the whole family to not worry about it.
Easy for you to say when you're not the one paying for shit I guess.
So I attempt to calm myself. . . and it present opening time. We did the Santa bit for the niece because they're out of money. So we start opening presents. One for Laura and I from the sis in Shreveport, and one for the sis and niece. Then next round there's one for me, and one for the sis and niece. Then one for the sis and niece, and the rest for the niece. They didn't get Laura even a token gift. (Mine was a token gift). I feel so bad for my partner who works so hard for her sister, was up two nights in a row knitting something that the niece wanted, put in a lot of time getting the tree just right even though she was sick, spent to her limit for the niece for a good Christmas. Shit, they couldn't have made her something out of string and toilet paper? And at least it's now up to me to find a way to get the car towed and fixed.
We've been taking care of these two since 1994. They've lived with us off and on across the decade and a half, bought them a house to live in, a car to drive, fix their stuff all the time. I'm feeling a little used up this morning.
I at least do have the money to fix the stuff. I had planned to use it to finish up my art gallery project next year but I guess the constant draining need will take that money and shit on it.
My alternative? Watch them suffer. Sis in law works hard. She struggles. She's a single mom who has to pay alimony to the useless piece of shit that was out cheating on her while she was in the hospital after giving birth to a 3 month premature child who now has MS and needs surgerys and they're in a nailbiter fight to keep from filing a medical bankruptcy at any given moment. The need is getting a little less constant. We now can go a few months without the influx of a few hundred to help out.
I just hate it all. I buy her a car and fix it up. And she's constantly breaking things that no normal human tears up. It makes me insane. Whenever I give her something nice I just know that I'm condemning the gift to a horrible death. Seems kinda rude to the materials.
Anyhow. . . this too shall pass. Sis in law is in the beginnings of a serious relationship with a fella. With any luck he'll marry her and then I won't have to foot the bills anymore. (Or I'll pick up another dead beat, might be a flip of the coin)
Merry fucking Christmas
Yesterday my sis in law and niece got here from Denver. They arrived around 5 or 6 and as I was going out to help carry things in sis in law tells me that the car just died. This is the car I got her and fixed up and then last week put $450 in. Then I get told by the whole family to not worry about it.
Easy for you to say when you're not the one paying for shit I guess.
So I attempt to calm myself. . . and it present opening time. We did the Santa bit for the niece because they're out of money. So we start opening presents. One for Laura and I from the sis in Shreveport, and one for the sis and niece. Then next round there's one for me, and one for the sis and niece. Then one for the sis and niece, and the rest for the niece. They didn't get Laura even a token gift. (Mine was a token gift). I feel so bad for my partner who works so hard for her sister, was up two nights in a row knitting something that the niece wanted, put in a lot of time getting the tree just right even though she was sick, spent to her limit for the niece for a good Christmas. Shit, they couldn't have made her something out of string and toilet paper? And at least it's now up to me to find a way to get the car towed and fixed.
We've been taking care of these two since 1994. They've lived with us off and on across the decade and a half, bought them a house to live in, a car to drive, fix their stuff all the time. I'm feeling a little used up this morning.
I at least do have the money to fix the stuff. I had planned to use it to finish up my art gallery project next year but I guess the constant draining need will take that money and shit on it.
My alternative? Watch them suffer. Sis in law works hard. She struggles. She's a single mom who has to pay alimony to the useless piece of shit that was out cheating on her while she was in the hospital after giving birth to a 3 month premature child who now has MS and needs surgerys and they're in a nailbiter fight to keep from filing a medical bankruptcy at any given moment. The need is getting a little less constant. We now can go a few months without the influx of a few hundred to help out.
I just hate it all. I buy her a car and fix it up. And she's constantly breaking things that no normal human tears up. It makes me insane. Whenever I give her something nice I just know that I'm condemning the gift to a horrible death. Seems kinda rude to the materials.
Anyhow. . . this too shall pass. Sis in law is in the beginnings of a serious relationship with a fella. With any luck he'll marry her and then I won't have to foot the bills anymore. (Or I'll pick up another dead beat, might be a flip of the coin)
Merry fucking Christmas
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Merry wary...
Emisphor -
It is raining, it is pouring. The globs of mucous in my nose and throat are roaring.
On the couch sits my lover. At the computer sits me.
My son is on his way to snow-shoveling land of moron-mon stupidity.
South Park's Hanky Christmas Poo is blaring on tv (in all it's eye-rolling offensive glory).
We are very fat and somewhat happy.
Fa la la la la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
(Oh yeah, and I'm getting a copy of the newest Good Book! Yay me!)
With frosted gingerbread kinky wanking love,
Soli.
It is raining, it is pouring. The globs of mucous in my nose and throat are roaring.
On the couch sits my lover. At the computer sits me.
My son is on his way to snow-shoveling land of moron-mon stupidity.
South Park's Hanky Christmas Poo is blaring on tv (in all it's eye-rolling offensive glory).
We are very fat and somewhat happy.
Fa la la la la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
(Oh yeah, and I'm getting a copy of the newest Good Book! Yay me!)
With frosted gingerbread kinky wanking love,
Soli.
Who's read the book?
Not Soli, we know that :)
For those who have, help us think about who should be whom?
We need Gary. Mark. Luke. Frank. Sarah. Rachel. Gloria. Oscar. Doug. Sinker. Joe Peters. Sinker. And of course Hook.
Jesus? Depends on the month.
And as to Ms. Elizabeth Forsythe?
Dibs. She's taken.
James
For those who have, help us think about who should be whom?
We need Gary. Mark. Luke. Frank. Sarah. Rachel. Gloria. Oscar. Doug. Sinker. Joe Peters. Sinker. And of course Hook.
Jesus? Depends on the month.
And as to Ms. Elizabeth Forsythe?
Dibs. She's taken.
James
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
loaves and fishes
Tonight I was cooking some pies for tomorrow. I made 4 punkin pies and then I started on the 2 pecan pies. That's when it occurred to me...... only humans would think a good desert idea would be adding sugar to Karo syrup.
That's just bizarre.
What an odd holiday this not-really-my-birthday has turned into. People eat too much, and drink too much, and spend too much. They bring a live tree into their homes and slowly watch it die. They engage in a ritual sacrifice and feast. Small children in China work 16 hour days in bad environments so that the wealthy and lucky can use the downtrodden and powerless to provide children with trinkets that they break in a week. It's practically obscene.
But that's not everyone, and perhaps...... just perhaps ....... it's a media construct that is simply an overlay of what really happens.
Families join together to break bread exchange tokens of their love for each other. Poor folks find or invent or make things to give to each other and put all they have into their creations. Groups gather and put together meals that are greater than the sum of their parts and share fellowship with each other.
If we look at the world in color then this time of year there is a color war. The green of greed is battling with a rosy golden glow of caring. I think that's why folks bring all that color of trees and wrapping paper and lights into their homes.
So I guess it's really all in how you look at it.
How's it lookin to yall?
That's just bizarre.
What an odd holiday this not-really-my-birthday has turned into. People eat too much, and drink too much, and spend too much. They bring a live tree into their homes and slowly watch it die. They engage in a ritual sacrifice and feast. Small children in China work 16 hour days in bad environments so that the wealthy and lucky can use the downtrodden and powerless to provide children with trinkets that they break in a week. It's practically obscene.
But that's not everyone, and perhaps...... just perhaps ....... it's a media construct that is simply an overlay of what really happens.
Families join together to break bread exchange tokens of their love for each other. Poor folks find or invent or make things to give to each other and put all they have into their creations. Groups gather and put together meals that are greater than the sum of their parts and share fellowship with each other.
If we look at the world in color then this time of year there is a color war. The green of greed is battling with a rosy golden glow of caring. I think that's why folks bring all that color of trees and wrapping paper and lights into their homes.
So I guess it's really all in how you look at it.
How's it lookin to yall?
happy birthday, jesus
and merry christmas to all the rest of ya'll. it's been fun getting to know you. course i feel like i already did know you because half the time i'm james and the other half i'm liz. and the third half? i'm just a made up person from a sweet little book.
happy holidaze, sweetie pies. it'll be interesting to see what the new year holds.
happy holidaze, sweetie pies. it'll be interesting to see what the new year holds.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
enough already..... :))
Ok first, things are going crazy. Schedules are falling apart. Alarm clocks are getting turned off. I am frazzled. My book might be stolen. Cooking at other peoples' houses.
Van is no longer, now I have a Chrysler 300 M. Nice car. Used and has 130m miles but new to me. Seems ok and has an 18 month warranty. YEAH! Had a Dr appointment set my alarm for 9:30, which is really 9:00. Only to wake up at 9:54 and had to get dressed, drive, and arrive all by 10:10. Arrived at 10:11, great timing on my part.
James (Liz) sent me a book only to have it re-addressed by our wonderful Postal Dept. The guy calls him to let him know it didn't go where it was supposed to go. Only this man took his sweet time getting it to me, the following Sunday. We had decided the book was gone so a new one was mailed to me. It arrives on Monday. Christmas gifts from df's Mom appear on Monday as well. The kids call to let her know and she mentions them going to his house. They didn't tell her why but she told them how disappointed he was going to be. I am quite sure the slant will be pointed at me. One day the truth will come out but I am staying out of it. I would love to mail him and beg him to fix things with the kids but realize he will not listen to me and I can't make him a better person. I quit trying. Then today the post office drops off a package for the older two from their Godmother. Only to discover the mail office put the wrong address label on the wrong packages. The kids' gifts went to Utah and hers came to us. I am going to go to the PO and see if I can get it fixed. I am telling you it is a crazy time of year and I am the exception. I was offered a different computer to find out it is as old as mine and also having issues. I declined. One day it will work out. I just know it.
It is raining and freezing and my kids want to go skating. We have free passes so I will head out and see what the roads are like. If they are too bad, we will return home and the kids will have to deal. Better to be safe and alive than stranded and hurt. Hope this crazy year ends soon and a new beginning starts out strong and in a better way.
Van is no longer, now I have a Chrysler 300 M. Nice car. Used and has 130m miles but new to me. Seems ok and has an 18 month warranty. YEAH! Had a Dr appointment set my alarm for 9:30, which is really 9:00. Only to wake up at 9:54 and had to get dressed, drive, and arrive all by 10:10. Arrived at 10:11, great timing on my part.
James (Liz) sent me a book only to have it re-addressed by our wonderful Postal Dept. The guy calls him to let him know it didn't go where it was supposed to go. Only this man took his sweet time getting it to me, the following Sunday. We had decided the book was gone so a new one was mailed to me. It arrives on Monday. Christmas gifts from df's Mom appear on Monday as well. The kids call to let her know and she mentions them going to his house. They didn't tell her why but she told them how disappointed he was going to be. I am quite sure the slant will be pointed at me. One day the truth will come out but I am staying out of it. I would love to mail him and beg him to fix things with the kids but realize he will not listen to me and I can't make him a better person. I quit trying. Then today the post office drops off a package for the older two from their Godmother. Only to discover the mail office put the wrong address label on the wrong packages. The kids' gifts went to Utah and hers came to us. I am going to go to the PO and see if I can get it fixed. I am telling you it is a crazy time of year and I am the exception. I was offered a different computer to find out it is as old as mine and also having issues. I declined. One day it will work out. I just know it.
It is raining and freezing and my kids want to go skating. We have free passes so I will head out and see what the roads are like. If they are too bad, we will return home and the kids will have to deal. Better to be safe and alive than stranded and hurt. Hope this crazy year ends soon and a new beginning starts out strong and in a better way.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Nearly the not-really-my-birthday
I wasn't born on December 25th. When the people who usurped my name and followers and speech decided to use religion to control the world they decided to put my birthday at the same time as a pagan holiday so that those folks would be able to more easily transition. They did this with lots of stuff.
If dad listens to me then they're going right straight to hell.
Lots of folks going to hell that don't think they are. All those so called christians that fight against gay folks getting to love each other?
Hell. Right straight to hell. Flaming hot, burning cold, endless thirsting, lonely hell.
It's actually really easy to get out of going to hell.
Love.
That simple.
Love.
Love without rules and restraint, love without ownership, love without conditions and demands.
Love.
It's really all you have to do to succeed. All that other crap is just window dressing. It's not really so hard, I think that's what confuses folks the most. They get all twisted up and tying themselves in knots and I think half of it is some weird belief that keeping other folks out does them some kind of good.
It's not a contest people! Just very much like kindergarten, everyone can win. Now quit worrying, love the folks you come in contact with, and relax!
If dad listens to me then they're going right straight to hell.
Lots of folks going to hell that don't think they are. All those so called christians that fight against gay folks getting to love each other?
Hell. Right straight to hell. Flaming hot, burning cold, endless thirsting, lonely hell.
It's actually really easy to get out of going to hell.
Love.
That simple.
Love.
Love without rules and restraint, love without ownership, love without conditions and demands.
Love.
It's really all you have to do to succeed. All that other crap is just window dressing. It's not really so hard, I think that's what confuses folks the most. They get all twisted up and tying themselves in knots and I think half of it is some weird belief that keeping other folks out does them some kind of good.
It's not a contest people! Just very much like kindergarten, everyone can win. Now quit worrying, love the folks you come in contact with, and relax!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
The Misadventures of Sausage Fingers
Sausage fingers is my pet name thanks to Angel, referring to my well... "stubbly thumbs".
I feel frazzled, I just burned dinner and set off the fire alarm in the whole building... everyone started running out of their rooms freaking out... "Where's all the smoke coming from?!" Instead of being angry the apartment manager had a very amused grin on his face. Bastards. I was quite embarrassed.
It is still snowing, it has been snowing for three days straight, and we had quite an adventure yesterday.
The roads weren't slippery, there was just so much snow that the cars couldn't get through it. Angel has a 4wd Kia Sportage, and we packed on our clothes and gathered the movies to return to Blockbuster and headed out. We turned onto Grand blvd, which is a fairly steep hill and the store is right on top of it. No surprise, we didn't even get to the hard part before we had to back up and put the car back in the garage.
We decided to take the bus, like many others were doing. The bus was almost there when they said to get off and wait for another bus because he wouldn't go up that way. I should have known when I had seen tow trucks everywhere, but we had no choice and climbed out to wait for another one to pick us up.
Others were waiting as well, one of them a loud and annoying stoner kid; "I could be home smoking a blunt right now! My brain is mush. Like oatmeal!" We waited and waited in the dark and the snow flying in our faces, poor Angel didn't have a hat on and we started to lose feeling in our appendages.
Finally we see a bus charging down the street, I anticipated the dry warmth on the bus, then watched as it sped past me. Then, two more buses drove by; despite our yelling, letting us stand in the elements for around an hour before we decided to find another stop. It was a dismal moment as we realized we really were stuck. We decided to stay with the group as we walked to a bus center a couple city blocks away.
We trudged our way up and saw that we weren't the only ones stranded by the buses, about 20 people were standing around a stop wondering what they were going to do. I tried calling coworkers, friends, nobody answered.
I was leaving a message on a friends answering machine when I finally saw a bus charging up to get us. At that moment, that was the most glorious blue and white city bus I've ever seen. We crowded in, he didn't even care about the fare as he took everyone in and headed back to downtown.
A man was on saying he was stranded by another bus in a similar fashion as us. "Only in America" is all he said, as we drove past the Blockbuster we had been trying to get to for hours, letting it pass by because more than likely we would be stranded there.
The bus driver had to abandon his route and inch his way downtown, passing the ambulances and fire trucks, tow trucks and stuck cars. We got out and started walking because the traffic was horrible. Finally we got home, never getting our movies back to them.
Since then work has been closed, and we have been walking to where we need to go which is why I'm glad we live downtown. Tomorrow we will walk to work in the snow, uphill, one way.
Christmas is coming up, and I've finally finished making the travel arrangements for California. I'm spending Christmas with Angel, then leaving the next night on train. I'm thrilled to go back and see my family. My friends don't really know I'm coming, but I'm spending most of my quality time with the people that count.
We've saved some MDA for Christmas day, then we will go to a big cathedral for mass. Never been to mass, it will be lovely I presume.
Well I'll be on here a lot more, as there are no movies to rent, our collection is missing and things are easily distractable online.
I feel frazzled, I just burned dinner and set off the fire alarm in the whole building... everyone started running out of their rooms freaking out... "Where's all the smoke coming from?!" Instead of being angry the apartment manager had a very amused grin on his face. Bastards. I was quite embarrassed.
It is still snowing, it has been snowing for three days straight, and we had quite an adventure yesterday.
The roads weren't slippery, there was just so much snow that the cars couldn't get through it. Angel has a 4wd Kia Sportage, and we packed on our clothes and gathered the movies to return to Blockbuster and headed out. We turned onto Grand blvd, which is a fairly steep hill and the store is right on top of it. No surprise, we didn't even get to the hard part before we had to back up and put the car back in the garage.
We decided to take the bus, like many others were doing. The bus was almost there when they said to get off and wait for another bus because he wouldn't go up that way. I should have known when I had seen tow trucks everywhere, but we had no choice and climbed out to wait for another one to pick us up.
Others were waiting as well, one of them a loud and annoying stoner kid; "I could be home smoking a blunt right now! My brain is mush. Like oatmeal!" We waited and waited in the dark and the snow flying in our faces, poor Angel didn't have a hat on and we started to lose feeling in our appendages.
Finally we see a bus charging down the street, I anticipated the dry warmth on the bus, then watched as it sped past me. Then, two more buses drove by; despite our yelling, letting us stand in the elements for around an hour before we decided to find another stop. It was a dismal moment as we realized we really were stuck. We decided to stay with the group as we walked to a bus center a couple city blocks away.
We trudged our way up and saw that we weren't the only ones stranded by the buses, about 20 people were standing around a stop wondering what they were going to do. I tried calling coworkers, friends, nobody answered.
I was leaving a message on a friends answering machine when I finally saw a bus charging up to get us. At that moment, that was the most glorious blue and white city bus I've ever seen. We crowded in, he didn't even care about the fare as he took everyone in and headed back to downtown.
A man was on saying he was stranded by another bus in a similar fashion as us. "Only in America" is all he said, as we drove past the Blockbuster we had been trying to get to for hours, letting it pass by because more than likely we would be stranded there.
The bus driver had to abandon his route and inch his way downtown, passing the ambulances and fire trucks, tow trucks and stuck cars. We got out and started walking because the traffic was horrible. Finally we got home, never getting our movies back to them.
Since then work has been closed, and we have been walking to where we need to go which is why I'm glad we live downtown. Tomorrow we will walk to work in the snow, uphill, one way.
Christmas is coming up, and I've finally finished making the travel arrangements for California. I'm spending Christmas with Angel, then leaving the next night on train. I'm thrilled to go back and see my family. My friends don't really know I'm coming, but I'm spending most of my quality time with the people that count.
We've saved some MDA for Christmas day, then we will go to a big cathedral for mass. Never been to mass, it will be lovely I presume.
Well I'll be on here a lot more, as there are no movies to rent, our collection is missing and things are easily distractable online.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
hiya
no news on our front except that the book we sent jj seems to have gotten swiped by a neighbor of hers. dang it. we'll get another one out shortly. sorry, jj.
yours is coming too, tiff.
for those of you who have read the book and have a minute to spare, go ahead and stop by amazon and give jesus swept a rating. you can click here to get to my page. about halfway down there are some stars you can click on. we'd love it if you'd click on all the fifth star.
one person wrote a great review on amazon ... couldn't have done as good a job ourselves in a year of writing! so we're pretty happy about that.
spice (and darter) are off to visit her pop for a few days before christmas. guess we'll just plug along, trying to get people to buy this dang book! man oh man this is hard stuff.
lovehook
psst you can also become a fan of mr. p on facebook. dare ya!
yours is coming too, tiff.
for those of you who have read the book and have a minute to spare, go ahead and stop by amazon and give jesus swept a rating. you can click here to get to my page. about halfway down there are some stars you can click on. we'd love it if you'd click on all the fifth star.
one person wrote a great review on amazon ... couldn't have done as good a job ourselves in a year of writing! so we're pretty happy about that.
spice (and darter) are off to visit her pop for a few days before christmas. guess we'll just plug along, trying to get people to buy this dang book! man oh man this is hard stuff.
lovehook
psst you can also become a fan of mr. p on facebook. dare ya!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I think better when I write it down
I'm learning a lot these days about maneuvering relationships in a way that leaves everyone happy. It's hard to do, sometimes, but in the end everything seems to work.
It's difficult having 3 people to love and finding the balance necessary to keep everyone (including myself) happy. It requires constant and open communication between all parties involved and when that fails, things start to suck for people. It's a challenge, sometimes. Hard to look someone you love in the eyes and say things they don't want to hear, but always....always...better to say them anyway.
It also requires adapting myself to situation and a willingness to re-invent the rules. I never really believed in the concept of "primaries" (having a primary partner along with other secondary relationships) because that sort of poly system seemed unfair to the other relationships. What I've since discovered, however accidentally, is that I have to allow a relationship to be what it is. Because sometimes that's what it's going to be anyway, whether I fight it or not.
Angie and I have become primaries to each other, though we waited for the NRE (new relationship energy) to settle before committing to it and having the somewhat difficult conversation with other relationships. The wonderful thing about this is having the ability to let our relationship take whatever form we want. And we're still figuring out exactly what that is, but so far it's working.
We decided on no sleep-overs for now. She comes home and sleeps with me most nights, unless she needs a night to herself in her little tent-shaped room in Seattle, or I need a night to unwind. We see our other girlfriends more casually for now -- dinner dates, spa, xmas shopping, etc., still making sure their needs are met. We've also put our 'no vacancy' signs up, because neither of us have room for a new relationship right now.
The funny thing is, I'm insanely happy with things, even when it's hard (as it's bound to be). My other girlfriends understand where I'm at with things and are happy to see me happy. Happy to spend time with me when we do.
I'm still learning and bound to make some mistakes along the way, but I'm also growing and loving and living life. Of course I always welcome advice and feedback from those of you in the know. ;)
<3
And how do I get a book??
It's difficult having 3 people to love and finding the balance necessary to keep everyone (including myself) happy. It requires constant and open communication between all parties involved and when that fails, things start to suck for people. It's a challenge, sometimes. Hard to look someone you love in the eyes and say things they don't want to hear, but always....always...better to say them anyway.
It also requires adapting myself to situation and a willingness to re-invent the rules. I never really believed in the concept of "primaries" (having a primary partner along with other secondary relationships) because that sort of poly system seemed unfair to the other relationships. What I've since discovered, however accidentally, is that I have to allow a relationship to be what it is. Because sometimes that's what it's going to be anyway, whether I fight it or not.
Angie and I have become primaries to each other, though we waited for the NRE (new relationship energy) to settle before committing to it and having the somewhat difficult conversation with other relationships. The wonderful thing about this is having the ability to let our relationship take whatever form we want. And we're still figuring out exactly what that is, but so far it's working.
We decided on no sleep-overs for now. She comes home and sleeps with me most nights, unless she needs a night to herself in her little tent-shaped room in Seattle, or I need a night to unwind. We see our other girlfriends more casually for now -- dinner dates, spa, xmas shopping, etc., still making sure their needs are met. We've also put our 'no vacancy' signs up, because neither of us have room for a new relationship right now.
The funny thing is, I'm insanely happy with things, even when it's hard (as it's bound to be). My other girlfriends understand where I'm at with things and are happy to see me happy. Happy to spend time with me when we do.
I'm still learning and bound to make some mistakes along the way, but I'm also growing and loving and living life. Of course I always welcome advice and feedback from those of you in the know. ;)
<3
And how do I get a book??
Hoping to crack df's hard heart.
The following is a letter I am working on for df. I don't want to piss him off, but I want to see if there is any heart left to search for. Read it and give me your thoughts. I want to appeal to him, but know this too can have repercussions. Not always in a good way. Maybe I can give my kids a Christmas miracle... doubtful.
I know there is a part of you that wants more for your kids than you had yourself. Remember those dreams we had for them when they were born. Our kids were born to two people who I thought were in love. We had dreams for our children that didn’t include living in poverty because you want to rid yourself of GOD’S blessings. You wanted to give them the moon and safety as well as security. You didn’t want them growing up with the same craziness that you had. You wanted them to know they were loved and valued. I am not sure where that person is. You are making your children suffer because you are trying to beat me at whatever game you believe we are playing. These are your children and you are making them suffer many times over. Their resentment for you grows each time you place more importance on your life than them. They see the things you did this summer over putting them first in your life. One day, you will regret all your decisions to make their life so difficult. You have already, all on your own, made the three older ones lose all respect for you. Your relationships become your beacon but your children should be your top priority. When you had them for those few weeks, that was the first time you had spent any amount of time with them. You left them with some pretty rough memories. The sad part is you don’t even grasp what you have allowed to leave your life. You have wonderful kids and it is not because of you. They have learned to struggle and do without at the hands of the one person who could give them a better life. I am not changing jobs as some people change shoes. I have kept the same job and every cent I make goes to supporting them and giving them a better life. Can you say the same? You try to base your priorities on kids that are not YOUR children. You can hate Greg but you need to realize it is not HIS responsibility to support them. It is your duty. He has his own child that he supports and has not missed a payment nor does he try to get out of paying it. You were the father to three children who no longer care to talk to you nor see you. Rachel has to be forgiving. Otherwise she would have to face the fact you chose your girlfriend over her years ago. There will come a day when you destroy her feelings for you as well. She would love for you to take her to Chuckie Cheeze or somewhere for dinner. I believe even though Alena and Will are very hurt by you, they might also choose to go along. Make the effort. Show them that they do matter to you. Don’t walk away from your kids. You can make the move and should as their parent. Stop acting like a little baby whose feelings got hurt. You hurt your kids. Too many things happened this summer for you to not take some heat over it. You can insult me all you want but I would NEVER treat your kids like you did yourself. I fear for them in your care.
I know there is a part of you that wants more for your kids than you had yourself. Remember those dreams we had for them when they were born. Our kids were born to two people who I thought were in love. We had dreams for our children that didn’t include living in poverty because you want to rid yourself of GOD’S blessings. You wanted to give them the moon and safety as well as security. You didn’t want them growing up with the same craziness that you had. You wanted them to know they were loved and valued. I am not sure where that person is. You are making your children suffer because you are trying to beat me at whatever game you believe we are playing. These are your children and you are making them suffer many times over. Their resentment for you grows each time you place more importance on your life than them. They see the things you did this summer over putting them first in your life. One day, you will regret all your decisions to make their life so difficult. You have already, all on your own, made the three older ones lose all respect for you. Your relationships become your beacon but your children should be your top priority. When you had them for those few weeks, that was the first time you had spent any amount of time with them. You left them with some pretty rough memories. The sad part is you don’t even grasp what you have allowed to leave your life. You have wonderful kids and it is not because of you. They have learned to struggle and do without at the hands of the one person who could give them a better life. I am not changing jobs as some people change shoes. I have kept the same job and every cent I make goes to supporting them and giving them a better life. Can you say the same? You try to base your priorities on kids that are not YOUR children. You can hate Greg but you need to realize it is not HIS responsibility to support them. It is your duty. He has his own child that he supports and has not missed a payment nor does he try to get out of paying it. You were the father to three children who no longer care to talk to you nor see you. Rachel has to be forgiving. Otherwise she would have to face the fact you chose your girlfriend over her years ago. There will come a day when you destroy her feelings for you as well. She would love for you to take her to Chuckie Cheeze or somewhere for dinner. I believe even though Alena and Will are very hurt by you, they might also choose to go along. Make the effort. Show them that they do matter to you. Don’t walk away from your kids. You can make the move and should as their parent. Stop acting like a little baby whose feelings got hurt. You hurt your kids. Too many things happened this summer for you to not take some heat over it. You can insult me all you want but I would NEVER treat your kids like you did yourself. I fear for them in your care.
Monday, December 15, 2008
And following the diaspora......
A few posts back James lamented the possible loss of the old world we shared in aetheri through the new worlds like facebook.
O yea of little faith.
Today I was contacted by usedpoet on fb and immediately directed her here. I found reticens there as well and Lisa. How funny would it be if we eventually rounded up everyone from the old safe happy world through the new one? Because I believe that while that fb shadow world is a nice enough place it can just never be the world that birthed our community.
And yes. . . . we did have one.
I wonder what happened to cptjohn? And pooh? And if we can make a key on fb to bring our lost sheep home?
Just wondering.........
O yea of little faith.
Today I was contacted by usedpoet on fb and immediately directed her here. I found reticens there as well and Lisa. How funny would it be if we eventually rounded up everyone from the old safe happy world through the new one? Because I believe that while that fb shadow world is a nice enough place it can just never be the world that birthed our community.
And yes. . . . we did have one.
I wonder what happened to cptjohn? And pooh? And if we can make a key on fb to bring our lost sheep home?
Just wondering.........
Sunday, December 14, 2008
8 hours of overtime
I've been working so much I accidentally worked an extra day. Goodwill has had all kinds of surprises; I found a jacket covered in dried blood, it gave me something fun to think about. We also tried to sell an Urn, which was a nice wooden box complete with screws. I didn't tell my manager it was there because I thought it was a good conversation piece with the customers. Once she found out it was there it was thrown away, I still wonder who donated Grandpas' box!
Its pretty normal to find dildos down in pre-sort, along with other things people accidentally donate.
I leave to visit California the day after Christmas, and its all coming too soon. We've had a hard time of it lately, Angel lost her wallet and went to cancel her debit card and they canceled mine instead. We're both SOL until monday, then things will get better, and I will be able to see my family and a few friends.
I was thrilled yesterday to get my very own copy of Jesus Swept, flipping through the pages and seeing names I recognized!! It was so surreal. What will "Plaid" consist of? is it already written?
I'm taking it with me to work today, now I have something to do on my breaks instead of smoke cigarettes in the freezing cold.
Well its off to work for Tericloth, Thank you Liz for the book just for me!
Its pretty normal to find dildos down in pre-sort, along with other things people accidentally donate.
I leave to visit California the day after Christmas, and its all coming too soon. We've had a hard time of it lately, Angel lost her wallet and went to cancel her debit card and they canceled mine instead. We're both SOL until monday, then things will get better, and I will be able to see my family and a few friends.
I was thrilled yesterday to get my very own copy of Jesus Swept, flipping through the pages and seeing names I recognized!! It was so surreal. What will "Plaid" consist of? is it already written?
I'm taking it with me to work today, now I have something to do on my breaks instead of smoke cigarettes in the freezing cold.
Well its off to work for Tericloth, Thank you Liz for the book just for me!
Tisn't the season to be happy. ** LONG ASS POST
I know over the years I have hinted at my thought processes in the past. My son, I love dearly, has grasped the golden ring of Christianity. He went through a tough time of his own making. In searching out the greater good, chose to realign his life with Christ. I do not fault him nor challenge him to see if that is the truth. I had to look at the years I was judged by my own thoughts and inadequacies to believe there was something missing within me that caused my life to be so hard. I must be doing wrong since God wanted to teach me something. My hard life started at the ripe old age of 7. I realized at that time there were two kinds of people the ones behind the meanness and those that were receivers. I wanted a simple life. To be quite honest in my life, I have never expected much. I am happy with whatever I have. I can also make my situation into a good one, even though most people question my ability to get up. I refuse to quit. When the kids in school all thought I carried some unknown germ, I would use it as a basis of games. I would see how close I got to them before they began to shriek in terror. Now I realize how fucked up that truly was. I am my own best enemy. When I was 13, I began searching for someone to save me, mainly those older siblings who had escaped her. My Mom was a harsh woman. She also had some intense mood swings (that I understand now) that often created a monster to those in her wake. I was the only child left home at the ripe age of 10 as my next oldest sibling married her way to freedom. I learned how to cope and diffuse the situation. I always believed I had something to do with her anger and resentment. My dad’s mom was a horrid woman. She was mean spirited and evil many times. She hated my Mom but controlled my Dad to the point he would never defend her. She was cruel to me many times. To tell you how mean she was, one of her own granddaughters shot her. One shot was in the vagina for good measure. I would continually seek out this grandparents affection. I didn’t realize all she was really didn’t have any connection to me or how hard I tried to make her be proud of me. It obviously was something missing within myself. I lacked something. I loved my Dad but until after he died I didn’t realize how much. He tried to be a strong man, but when you have a mom and wife who both want to control the earth it is hard to measure up. He gave up and quit fighting. Maybe that is why I hate to fight. I have, however, found my voice. My mom pushed out of her own defenses until she pushed all away from her. Inside she really did want to love her kids she just didn’t know how. Our lives were very difficult and extremely stressful all the time. I can’t remember a time when it wasn’t hard. I am so tired of the hard. When I married I thought it was my “out” of hard and into a better life. I thought I was in love and I thought I was loved. Now I realize I was wrong in so many things. Each time df quit his job, it was always because he could get a better one. Only the taking weeks to find that better job didn’t make me see through his crap. While I was trying to create enough nurishment for 7 people with $60/week, he had lots a money in his wallet. I remember when Will was a baby. I found out df had been married before. Little did I know this would be only the first of many lies. I believed his story. He could look me in the eye and lie. When Alena was born so early and sickly, I called my sister and asked for scriptures to save her life. I prayed them and thought if only I had been reading and knowing this she wouldn’t have been born so sick. Little did I know, it was df’s fault and the day will come when I can jab it to him that his infidelities nearly cost him our daughter. I am saving that little sword for when it won’t hurt my kids to learn it. That day will be a sweet victory to me. We went to church, not one with scripted responses. God moved in this church and would speak through people. I watched my son get healed from horrid asthma. Make no mistake, I had faith and I believed. I used to default myself for not praying more or believing harder. I judged myself harsher than any person ever would. When Alena was 6 or 7 months old, I discovered a woman was after df. I was angry, he was driving over the road and I demanded he quit. That was the only time I had ever made him quit a job. He again crafted a great spin to it and I ended up pitying him for the fact she was just after a decent guy. I couldn’t fathom he would lie to me and cheat when he promised he would never do that. When we again started to have problems I sought out the church leadership. I believed I wasn’t praying enough, reading enough scriptures or wasn’t being submissive enough. I was trying to control too much. God must be teaching me something. When we went to the elders for marital help. I blamed myself for the fact they didn’t seem interested. I thought God must have shown them my failings as a Christian. On father’s day weekend, I watched while they talked about all the marriages they the church had been able to help repair and mend to a stronger marriage. I realized I was sitting in a place where I didn’t measure up. I was just as deserving. When my daughter shared her molesting, I again felt I had failed my kids. I am the cause, I don’t believe hard enough, trust good enough, or pray nearly enough. Being in church protected me from the worst horrors I could imagine. I didn’t want to be a part of that any longer. Life is still so damn hard. I am still catching no breaks. Each time I think things are going one way, it fucks up another way. I can guarantee anytime something claims only 1% chance of something happening…. Will happen to me. I can’t believe God is punishing my kids because I don’t give god a chance to make my miracle. My son says it is something god is trying to teach me. I am Job according to g’s mom. I am not willing to lose my kids at the hands of some fucked up lesson in life. Trying to always do the right thing in the face of obstacles has been my mainstay. I am tired of getting up. I am tired of trying to have something halfway decent in my life. I am tired of feeling fucked over by life and the world. I am really tired of smiling all the time, cuz that is what is expected of me. I am not happy right now. I am scared and worried and stressed and angry. I am angry that so many people I know have no struggles. They catch breaks and I don’t. What am I doing that is so wrong? I do believe God will make things right. But how long am I supposed to sit here with no food or car before I realize God has given “my miracle” to some one better suited. The van… my beautiful van is again sick. This van has been in our “family” since Feb 2007. During this time, 30 days after purchase, needed a new transmission. We had to get it repaired at ford since the finance company is owned by them and they were helping us to pay the cost. Then this summer we finally go them to look at the a/c, wipers, heat, and other issues. This does not include the great battery and alternator along with other things we have done to it. All told, the two major repairs were over 6 grand in cost. Yes Ford was nice enough to pay half but they dumped us with a friggin lemon. Now the power steering is out as is the rack and whatever bullshit. The heat in the back doesn’t work. He blew hot in the summer when it was fixed but now that it is winter, it blows freezing. This is going to cost $800. Let’s add to the fact, df is out of work and not paying any support and when he does find a job he doesn’t have to look too hard to find something decent, since he only has to pay $585 for three kids. I got a larger food stamp balance this summer for a month than he has to pay. Again I get fucked. I can always hire my own attorney to go to court with srs. But what the fuck, guess I shit golden bars now. I hate this time of year. It is always in December when df has no job or doesn’t pay. I am tired of not having money to shower my kids with the gifts I would love to shower them with. I have told them this is life. I don’t decorate nor put up a tree. Hell I can’t even cook much since my oven/stove is bad. The landlord gave me an allowance to get a new one, but oh yeah, something else happened and the $400 had to go there. The making it up, hasn’t happened yet. I am now believing life will never be easy until I die. Some people are chosen in life to have an easy life. A life where things fall into place. Where they make a good choice in a life partner that provides them with extra income. A life that when their kids needs clothes they need to figure out if they want to go to Dillards/Macy/The Gap, or some other store, instead of wondering if the local thrift store would have $2.00 jeans in your son’s size that he would actually wear. Then determining what groceries I can by for the week to give me the $2. I know I don’t pray enough. I don’t give God time to work his miracle. I guess going to work and getting my kids to school isn’t important. I want to let Ford have their POS. I want to give them the keys. I don’t have $800 and if I did, my rent would not be late this month. But hey the courts don’t fucking care. They have their cozy little house and warmth, and water, and a car that runs. FUCK LIFE! I look forward to death, maybe then I can actually sleep. My son wanted to help, but he was going to find a reloadable card for our use, only gift cards aren’t reloadable, so my small income is not sufficient but no one fucking cares. The more I hear people talk about Christmas at work I want to pull out a big stick and swing it. NO I am not done with my shopping, I never started. NO my tree is not up, I have no reason to get one. I have this time of year. My kids are just as deserving of thousand dollar gifts. They just were unlucky enough to be born to me. I encourage them to do more and be more and stop this spiral of bullshit but they don’t listen. They don’t see grades as their ticket to freedom. I can’t even fucking buy a lottery ticket without getting charged $35 overdraft fee. All because I don’t believe enough, pray enough, give god enough time to work miracles, or read the scriptures enough. I guess I will go back to my not talking to anyone and not sharing my life. I am going to just smile at work and say things are fantabulous. And the van, well it is greg’s credit and he said he wants to give it back as well. He doesn’t care anymore than I do. Doesn’t matter that we have been paying $336/mo for our rolling crapster. Only matters I can’t get from point a to point b on my own. And again, I will have to ask for help and rely on the kindness of others. Life isn’t fair and the sooner you realize it is a domino effect, raise your head up, get pounded, raise your head up, get pounded. BARFUCKINGHUMBUG!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Thanks to Laura and Crystal
I went to the doc for the second time in 3 days today. 12 days ago I felt kinda iffy. That was a Wednesday, the first sign was the black eyes. But I was in the middle of getting all the pots fired for our Holiday Fest and didn't slow down. Soup Bowl benefit was the following Friday and I was feeling irritable and tired. Saturday was the Holiday Fest and it was busy with being a bus tour guide and pulling out the last of the warm pots to display at Crystals house which was a stop on the tour. We all finally collapsed on Saturday night.
Sunday morning I couldn't get up. My head was splitting open, sore throat, horrible muscle aches. I spent the next 5 days like that and on Thursday went to the doc. He told me the CDC doesn't like them to prescribe antibiotics very easily anymore so to go home and take over the counter meds and feel better. All this time Laura was sick herself and doing her best to take care of me and Crystal was helping out around her job whenever and where ever she could.
It got worse.
By today even 3 percosets at a time did nothing to bring down the steel spike splitting my skull in two. Laura called (yes, on Saturday) and got me the last appointment with a doc. Under pain of death I will not go to an emergency room. Bad history. So Laura (still sick) took part of her day to write up a list of my symptoms and what I'd been doing about it. Crystal took me to the doctor because Laura was still sick and because for some reason doctors never believe me when I tell them things hurt. It's old family of origin stuff, and work stuff. As I told today's doc when she was thumping my sinus' with a thumb.... if you're looking for the flinch to indicate pain you won't see it. I work high voltage electricity, if we flinch when something hurts we die." Then she just asked and I answered. It was very polite. The family of origin stuff? Well... when they alert you that you've done something wrong by hitting you with a board and then continue beating you until you stop crying you learn not to indicate pain. These are things my partners have to deal with in getting me to the doctor. Bless their hearts they still push though it's quite unpleasant.
But I digress.
Crystal takes me to the doc after Laura set it up and sends me with a note. The doc decides that, yes I really am sick, and gives me meds with a note for work that includes Monday. She said that if I'm still in pain on Monday it calls for a cat scan.
Apparently the note was convincing.
So tonight I get home and take the meds and for the first time in 7 days my skull isn't splintering in 6 different directions.
I cried.
Without those two people I would die. I just know it.
Sunday morning I couldn't get up. My head was splitting open, sore throat, horrible muscle aches. I spent the next 5 days like that and on Thursday went to the doc. He told me the CDC doesn't like them to prescribe antibiotics very easily anymore so to go home and take over the counter meds and feel better. All this time Laura was sick herself and doing her best to take care of me and Crystal was helping out around her job whenever and where ever she could.
It got worse.
By today even 3 percosets at a time did nothing to bring down the steel spike splitting my skull in two. Laura called (yes, on Saturday) and got me the last appointment with a doc. Under pain of death I will not go to an emergency room. Bad history. So Laura (still sick) took part of her day to write up a list of my symptoms and what I'd been doing about it. Crystal took me to the doctor because Laura was still sick and because for some reason doctors never believe me when I tell them things hurt. It's old family of origin stuff, and work stuff. As I told today's doc when she was thumping my sinus' with a thumb.... if you're looking for the flinch to indicate pain you won't see it. I work high voltage electricity, if we flinch when something hurts we die." Then she just asked and I answered. It was very polite. The family of origin stuff? Well... when they alert you that you've done something wrong by hitting you with a board and then continue beating you until you stop crying you learn not to indicate pain. These are things my partners have to deal with in getting me to the doctor. Bless their hearts they still push though it's quite unpleasant.
But I digress.
Crystal takes me to the doc after Laura set it up and sends me with a note. The doc decides that, yes I really am sick, and gives me meds with a note for work that includes Monday. She said that if I'm still in pain on Monday it calls for a cat scan.
Apparently the note was convincing.
So tonight I get home and take the meds and for the first time in 7 days my skull isn't splintering in 6 different directions.
I cried.
Without those two people I would die. I just know it.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Lord of the cars
And so it came to pass in the year 2008 that the excesses of their own greed imperiled the lands over which they held sway and the three car companies had to sully forth on private jets to bow their heads before the congress and ask the favor of a boon; a boon which would be both their saving and their enslavement.
And the mighty government, backed by good Chinese currency, gave forth a note, a deed, a proclamation to save the tawdry lot of powerful grifters. The saving came with a curse, and a terrible price to be paid for the rest of their days.
One loan to bring them all
One loan to bind them.
One Czar to pick their nits
And in credit court to bind them.
And the mighty government, backed by good Chinese currency, gave forth a note, a deed, a proclamation to save the tawdry lot of powerful grifters. The saving came with a curse, and a terrible price to be paid for the rest of their days.
One loan to bring them all
One loan to bind them.
One Czar to pick their nits
And in credit court to bind them.
love vs the ego
So I'm home sick with the flu. Weird past time you humans have... getting sick..... and one one of the morning talk shows they're discussing "intelligent design".
So I'm Jesus and I know the deal but the logic here (or lack thereof) makes me want to stamp my feet.
One of the talkers says, "With all that's happened it makes more sense to believe that someone intelligent planned the whole thing".
This makes absolutely NO sense. First of all the speaker does nothing to support her views. Why does that make more sense? What are you basing your "intelligent" opinion on?
The alternative view, that the earth and all the people on it are an effect of random chance due to the big bang and colliding particles resultant thereof, seems just as plausible to me. And while pondering that (from my position on the couch) it hit me.
EGO
The same thing that caused all the troubles from day one with you people. The EGO. The only reason possible for believing that the source of your life and consciousness must be intelligent is your own egos. You had to be on purpose or what's the point? You had to have come from someone elses idea and plan or you're random and useless. It's actually this kind of binary thinking that causes most of you all the trouble that you get into.
"I had to chose this or this" is usually what I hear. When, really, a few minutes pondering the problem from more than a locked in point of view would have yielded tons of choices, some of which would mean everyone wins. I keep trying to tell folks that love always leads to a choice that can make everything better. This point of view rather than winning, or profiting, finding "security" as your god would be so much better.
Do give it a try today.
What da ya think?
So I'm Jesus and I know the deal but the logic here (or lack thereof) makes me want to stamp my feet.
One of the talkers says, "With all that's happened it makes more sense to believe that someone intelligent planned the whole thing".
This makes absolutely NO sense. First of all the speaker does nothing to support her views. Why does that make more sense? What are you basing your "intelligent" opinion on?
The alternative view, that the earth and all the people on it are an effect of random chance due to the big bang and colliding particles resultant thereof, seems just as plausible to me. And while pondering that (from my position on the couch) it hit me.
EGO
The same thing that caused all the troubles from day one with you people. The EGO. The only reason possible for believing that the source of your life and consciousness must be intelligent is your own egos. You had to be on purpose or what's the point? You had to have come from someone elses idea and plan or you're random and useless. It's actually this kind of binary thinking that causes most of you all the trouble that you get into.
"I had to chose this or this" is usually what I hear. When, really, a few minutes pondering the problem from more than a locked in point of view would have yielded tons of choices, some of which would mean everyone wins. I keep trying to tell folks that love always leads to a choice that can make everything better. This point of view rather than winning, or profiting, finding "security" as your god would be so much better.
Do give it a try today.
What da ya think?
Thursday, December 11, 2008
preview of a review
looks like our dang book will get a smashing review next month. here's a preview of what might get written:
Absolutely loved it. I think you have a real winner here.
Thank Dog for small presses.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
My favorite parts
The Be attitudes. Every time I read that book that was written about my last time here I linger the longest over the be attitudes. You know the part, it's not often repeated in the public sector but I hear it from the pulpits on occasion.
It adapts to every day life and every day circumstances quite nicely I think.
As I age the exact wording gets more fluffy in my head. What I remember are things like: Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth; and on and on with peacemakers and the poor ... pointing out how those who suffer long and quietly and never give up will end up winning in the end. It gives me hope when the company James works at lays off people, and JJ's ex shorts his children, and Soli's heart is torn asunder by the pain and suffering in the world all in the name of greed.
I think these are the promises that make the book still worth a read. I may still be foolish and a romantic but I think the greed always does end up losing. Sadly after it's ruined almost every good thing to be had so only the meek and poor want and are willing to fix up the old hunk a junk. I think we're about at bottom. I think this is when it's most important to cling to each other and all that we hold dear... and get ready to roll up our sleeves and put in the work to make it all worth stealing again.
Until we step off the wheel, then it's all up for grabs.
It adapts to every day life and every day circumstances quite nicely I think.
As I age the exact wording gets more fluffy in my head. What I remember are things like: Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth; and on and on with peacemakers and the poor ... pointing out how those who suffer long and quietly and never give up will end up winning in the end. It gives me hope when the company James works at lays off people, and JJ's ex shorts his children, and Soli's heart is torn asunder by the pain and suffering in the world all in the name of greed.
I think these are the promises that make the book still worth a read. I may still be foolish and a romantic but I think the greed always does end up losing. Sadly after it's ruined almost every good thing to be had so only the meek and poor want and are willing to fix up the old hunk a junk. I think we're about at bottom. I think this is when it's most important to cling to each other and all that we hold dear... and get ready to roll up our sleeves and put in the work to make it all worth stealing again.
Until we step off the wheel, then it's all up for grabs.
FB is not Emisphor
Hey Hook!
I just don't think the other sites are ever going to be what we want them to be for us. NOthing I've ever seen has captured the little world we had over at aetheri. It was safe and friendly and welcoming and didn't judge all at the same time. It was a small enough group of people and yet not too large.
I wish quite truly that it hadn't died at the hands of greed and incompetence.
The group you've brought here is close and, while I've joined facebook at Laura's urging (because her sisters are there), I won't be abandoning my friends here. I really and truly do love you guys. You're just not replaceable.
I can't imagine another spot where I'd be as free to speak my mind and not be cut to shreds.
Thanks again to everyone for holding it all together.
I just don't think the other sites are ever going to be what we want them to be for us. NOthing I've ever seen has captured the little world we had over at aetheri. It was safe and friendly and welcoming and didn't judge all at the same time. It was a small enough group of people and yet not too large.
I wish quite truly that it hadn't died at the hands of greed and incompetence.
The group you've brought here is close and, while I've joined facebook at Laura's urging (because her sisters are there), I won't be abandoning my friends here. I really and truly do love you guys. You're just not replaceable.
I can't imagine another spot where I'd be as free to speak my mind and not be cut to shreds.
Thanks again to everyone for holding it all together.
quite quiet
kinda weird in a quiet kinda way around here these days. i figured it'd be hard to resurrect aetheri in the era of facebook.
are ya'll on the fb? james is. so is darter. that's how they stay in touch now that she's a college girl.
just got my new $1 stamps and a bunch of mailing envelopes, so books will be going out tomorrow to those who asked. beyond that, seems like kinda doldrum-ish right now. my old company had to lay off ten people (10 percent) because a big client went belly up and stopped paying its bills. plus all the big cheeses took a salary cut to avoid even more layoffs. i guess this is the true meaning of trickle down economics.
are ya'll on the fb? james is. so is darter. that's how they stay in touch now that she's a college girl.
just got my new $1 stamps and a bunch of mailing envelopes, so books will be going out tomorrow to those who asked. beyond that, seems like kinda doldrum-ish right now. my old company had to lay off ten people (10 percent) because a big client went belly up and stopped paying its bills. plus all the big cheeses took a salary cut to avoid even more layoffs. i guess this is the true meaning of trickle down economics.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Black Tar Love
When you're gone, and only
traces of you remain, I curl up beside your pillow
on my bed and breathe you
in like a
dope-sick addict
seeking more than just a
memory of happy.
Even though I know
it isn't going to be enough.
And even though I know
I'll still reach for you in my
sleep, claw at my bed sheets until morning finds its
way back to me
with another
fix.
But, I won't say
you're everything I need.
There is, indeed, a life beyond you.
Other things I
crave, want
and love. But there is something peacefully surreal
about the way our bodies slip
so easily into place, like snow settling
between blades of grass in the silence of
early morning,
that makes my muscles ache
to hold you again every
second that I
can't.
So, if I said when you're
gone I feel as lost as leaves falling
from the branches of trees, at the mercy of the breeze
blowing them to
the ground, would you
understand?
And, if I said your eyes are
my favorite line from every poem I've
ever read, and sometimes
they're all I can see
in the sky, would you know, then,
what I meant when I said the choice was
never really mine
at all?
traces of you remain, I curl up beside your pillow
on my bed and breathe you
in like a
dope-sick addict
seeking more than just a
memory of happy.
Even though I know
it isn't going to be enough.
And even though I know
I'll still reach for you in my
sleep, claw at my bed sheets until morning finds its
way back to me
with another
fix.
But, I won't say
you're everything I need.
There is, indeed, a life beyond you.
Other things I
crave, want
and love. But there is something peacefully surreal
about the way our bodies slip
so easily into place, like snow settling
between blades of grass in the silence of
early morning,
that makes my muscles ache
to hold you again every
second that I
can't.
So, if I said when you're
gone I feel as lost as leaves falling
from the branches of trees, at the mercy of the breeze
blowing them to
the ground, would you
understand?
And, if I said your eyes are
my favorite line from every poem I've
ever read, and sometimes
they're all I can see
in the sky, would you know, then,
what I meant when I said the choice was
never really mine
at all?
fyi
I am at the mercy of my phone these days, which, unfortunately doesn't allow me to comment.
But know that I read every word that each of you writes. Every day.
I want a book.
:)
But know that I read every word that each of you writes. Every day.
I want a book.
:)
God is ______________
ya'll weigh in with your own "fill in the blank" answer. we're writing a new book!
Sunday, December 7, 2008
The darkness is lightening.
I know there are a lot of people concerned about me and our situation. I also am very concerned. G has been looking for a better paying job. He has had a few interviews and has another one tomorrow. I thought about getting a different job but once I add the free insurance into the mix my wages are like $12-13 and hour. Not sure I could better myself there. The school district has a secretarial job open and I didn't know about it, but regardless there were over 70 applicants. Most had college degrees. Things are bad, and having a job is a good thing. I need something with some potential. I am really good at my job. This is the one place I feel I have my shit together. But my kids would be more important.
I was feeling pretty alone and my friend who tends to drive me nuts. She likes controlling things and people offered me the opportunity to work for her. Her son is severely disabled and I would be basically working with him after school for a few hours and playing on his new awesome touch computer from the school. They don't have time to devote to just him. I can with an hourly wage attached. I would do it without, he is a super kid. She wants to help and this might just be the ticket. She took me grocery shopping. I had nothing and no chance to get anything for another week. I again feel like I can see some light. Not sure if this will be a once a month pay thing or how often. Those once a months kill you. But at this point, I don't care. If it can help take care of my kids then I am for it. We know the courts will support dumbass df and let him continue to be the worthless waste of oxygen that we have come to know.
I realized a big thing. When "fathers" (term used lightly), try to have their child support lowered they are in essesnce saying, "THANK GOD I AM RID OF YOU". Even G the man I love to hate lately, was considering raising his child support since he realizes how tough it is to pay for things. This is a man who may or may not be the kids dad. Gave up rights to his child when the Mom decided to move to California for "the one". He ended up not being such a great guy and now she is married to a decent man. G still didn't want to confuse the kid. Once in a while she will contact him but haven't seen Damien in over a year. I have more respect for G for the fact he always pays his support and as soon as he finds a better job will let them know so he won't miss any payments. There are times when I think some fathers should haven't to pay for a seed gone awry. I was married to the kids dad and he wanted these kids. Wanted to give them opportunities he never had. Many times she has asked G to allow her husband to adopt the boy (the only dad the kids has truly known), but doesn't want to give up the $300/month. He almost pays as much for his one as I get for 3. That's totally fucked up!
I was feeling pretty alone and my friend who tends to drive me nuts. She likes controlling things and people offered me the opportunity to work for her. Her son is severely disabled and I would be basically working with him after school for a few hours and playing on his new awesome touch computer from the school. They don't have time to devote to just him. I can with an hourly wage attached. I would do it without, he is a super kid. She wants to help and this might just be the ticket. She took me grocery shopping. I had nothing and no chance to get anything for another week. I again feel like I can see some light. Not sure if this will be a once a month pay thing or how often. Those once a months kill you. But at this point, I don't care. If it can help take care of my kids then I am for it. We know the courts will support dumbass df and let him continue to be the worthless waste of oxygen that we have come to know.
I realized a big thing. When "fathers" (term used lightly), try to have their child support lowered they are in essesnce saying, "THANK GOD I AM RID OF YOU". Even G the man I love to hate lately, was considering raising his child support since he realizes how tough it is to pay for things. This is a man who may or may not be the kids dad. Gave up rights to his child when the Mom decided to move to California for "the one". He ended up not being such a great guy and now she is married to a decent man. G still didn't want to confuse the kid. Once in a while she will contact him but haven't seen Damien in over a year. I have more respect for G for the fact he always pays his support and as soon as he finds a better job will let them know so he won't miss any payments. There are times when I think some fathers should haven't to pay for a seed gone awry. I was married to the kids dad and he wanted these kids. Wanted to give them opportunities he never had. Many times she has asked G to allow her husband to adopt the boy (the only dad the kids has truly known), but doesn't want to give up the $300/month. He almost pays as much for his one as I get for 3. That's totally fucked up!
wedding
went to an episcopal wedding yesterday. man there was a lot of jesus in there. fortunately, the service was short in the hell department. not like my daddy's funeral where the preacher helled and deviled us almost to death.
james says to say books are on the way to those who asked. should be mailed tomorrow.
james says to say books are on the way to those who asked. should be mailed tomorrow.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
insomnia
Your breathing,
soft against my chest,
stops me cold
and the words are dead in my throat.
The pounding of my heart
is like tribal drums beneath you,
arms wrapped so tightly
I can barely breathe.
You are fire in my arms
as I finally grasp the reality
of your exhale.
I am helpless if not hopeless here.
How could I not be?
There is no fire escape,
no iron ladders to the ground,
no emergency exit.
So I watch you sleep,
peaceful against my skin,
and wonder if there's any wall
I wouldn't turn to cinders
if it meant I'd still be holding you
by morning.
soft against my chest,
stops me cold
and the words are dead in my throat.
The pounding of my heart
is like tribal drums beneath you,
arms wrapped so tightly
I can barely breathe.
You are fire in my arms
as I finally grasp the reality
of your exhale.
I am helpless if not hopeless here.
How could I not be?
There is no fire escape,
no iron ladders to the ground,
no emergency exit.
So I watch you sleep,
peaceful against my skin,
and wonder if there's any wall
I wouldn't turn to cinders
if it meant I'd still be holding you
by morning.
Missing my life
I have reflected a lot lately. I have faced some tough times and I would classify this as tough. I have a child, my baby, who weekly tells me how horrid I am as a mother and puts df on a pedestal. I know the main jest of this is to cut to my heart. It works. I feel like this year I have spent so much time defending my priorities and trying to protect those I love. I am 45 and feel like I am a 16 year old who has no ability to make clear choices. It seems there are always so many this or that’s. I do what I think is right. I never intentionally hurt anyone. I even have figured out a way df can claim a kid on taxes without crippling myself. I try to play fair at all costs. I feel sometimes like I am the only one on this play fair crusade. Courts only care about dicks and balls.
At school I have favorites. Some are kids that don’t necessarily respect adults. Then there are kids who I would like to crush their skull. I think in my head, how badly their heart must hurt to inflict so much damage on everyone else. The road isn’t always paved with gold, sometimes it is quicksand. I play by the rules, most times, and I expect other to do the same. I am tired of finding the exception to each rule. I want the courts to point out, for the first 2 years I lived here things were fairly decent with df and myself. I didn’t struggle as much. I would gladly take the lack from then over the lack of today. I have held the same job since moving here. Why is that not something to uphold and use as proof he is a dick. I had to go to a food bank today so I could have something to feed my kids. I have a few meals with meat but don’t have anything to mix with it. I am good with creative cooking. My son is thinking about giving me $40/wk to help tide me over. That pisses me off, I should be helping him and not the other way around. I talked to him last night, or rather cried to him. I do not know when he became so wise. I thought damn, he IS becoming a great man in spite of all that has happened to him. He made sense, Over the last few months I have become to value our relationship.
I just don’t want to wake up tomorrow to more problems that I can’t make better. I am tired and to be honest, feel like a pincushion that is encompassed in straight pins. I want to quit trying. I want to give in but not sure who I am giving in to or how to do it. I have fought my life for each step and don’t know how to quit taking them now. Bah fucking humbug. Ain’t life a bitch.
At school I have favorites. Some are kids that don’t necessarily respect adults. Then there are kids who I would like to crush their skull. I think in my head, how badly their heart must hurt to inflict so much damage on everyone else. The road isn’t always paved with gold, sometimes it is quicksand. I play by the rules, most times, and I expect other to do the same. I am tired of finding the exception to each rule. I want the courts to point out, for the first 2 years I lived here things were fairly decent with df and myself. I didn’t struggle as much. I would gladly take the lack from then over the lack of today. I have held the same job since moving here. Why is that not something to uphold and use as proof he is a dick. I had to go to a food bank today so I could have something to feed my kids. I have a few meals with meat but don’t have anything to mix with it. I am good with creative cooking. My son is thinking about giving me $40/wk to help tide me over. That pisses me off, I should be helping him and not the other way around. I talked to him last night, or rather cried to him. I do not know when he became so wise. I thought damn, he IS becoming a great man in spite of all that has happened to him. He made sense, Over the last few months I have become to value our relationship.
I just don’t want to wake up tomorrow to more problems that I can’t make better. I am tired and to be honest, feel like a pincushion that is encompassed in straight pins. I want to quit trying. I want to give in but not sure who I am giving in to or how to do it. I have fought my life for each step and don’t know how to quit taking them now. Bah fucking humbug. Ain’t life a bitch.
Patience NOW
2000 years and I'm still finding ways to learn patience.
Laura is under the weather and went to the doc yesterday. We reside a LONG ways from Jerusalem so getting things is always a bit of a challenge. I drove her to the doc and then to the pharmacy afterward. We couldn't get prescriptions last night because they ran out of labels. Apparently if you have the script and they have the drugs nothing can happen unless they have a sticker.
So I went back this morning. Through the ice. At 40 instead of the 65 the speed should have been. The tailgater (in the ice) turned out to be the pharmacist that had to come down from Cheyenne Wyoming because of a staffing problem. Then they were out of one drug and I had to wait (again) while they "changed manufacturers". So I got it and came home, with some Starbucks for my sweetie because she isn't feeling well and I wanted to cheer her up.
Only to find out that they'd only given me 1 of 2 prescriptions. And of course it was the really necessary one. SO after a couple phone calls I'm going to go back for the last one, and we'll finish getting the rest of the first one tomorrow because they ran out and had to give us a partial fill.
Through all this I have managed to keep my cool. This is a herculean feat to those who know me. I can only attribute it to my temporary position, since no one ever accused me of having the patience of a saint.
Laura is under the weather and went to the doc yesterday. We reside a LONG ways from Jerusalem so getting things is always a bit of a challenge. I drove her to the doc and then to the pharmacy afterward. We couldn't get prescriptions last night because they ran out of labels. Apparently if you have the script and they have the drugs nothing can happen unless they have a sticker.
So I went back this morning. Through the ice. At 40 instead of the 65 the speed should have been. The tailgater (in the ice) turned out to be the pharmacist that had to come down from Cheyenne Wyoming because of a staffing problem. Then they were out of one drug and I had to wait (again) while they "changed manufacturers". So I got it and came home, with some Starbucks for my sweetie because she isn't feeling well and I wanted to cheer her up.
Only to find out that they'd only given me 1 of 2 prescriptions. And of course it was the really necessary one. SO after a couple phone calls I'm going to go back for the last one, and we'll finish getting the rest of the first one tomorrow because they ran out and had to give us a partial fill.
Through all this I have managed to keep my cool. This is a herculean feat to those who know me. I can only attribute it to my temporary position, since no one ever accused me of having the patience of a saint.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Well I'm the cashier running that register.
Life at goodwill is Ok, I like it much better than other jobs, but there are a few downfalls. One, Angel and I might be one of the only people who doesn't have a learning/mental disability, criminal record, or a past/recent drug addiction.
The thing about all those workers in this large facility is they are more careful with each other, leave you alone, and don't try to be talkative when there is nothing really to say.
Some are really cool, I've made friends with quite a few, one of them was Gina. Gina worked on Angel's side, we liked her a lot. According to Angel she was the coolest one, but she was a crackhead. She was recovering, but fucked up. She went on this huge drug binge, and Goodwill tried to help her so much... gave her chances when she "No-call, no-showed". Angel tried to help her, and I felt bad for Angel when Gina was fired. Gina tried, didn't want to lose her job. But crack is a very addictive drug, and we're all held helpless to it.
Angel didn't take it so good, sometimes overwhelmed with anger both at work and home. I know this too, will pass.
we are both quite lonely. Who knew that a pair could spend so much time together but still feel lonely.
When I have a day off I spend it alone, sometimes I'll go into work just because I have nobody to talk to, and nobody seems to mind. Rather, some other people come in on their day off, maybe for the same reasons.
I am going back to California after christmas, I can't wait to see my family and friends. They even want to see Angel, but one of us has to work.
I miss being Jesus a little, maybe it could cycle once everyone has been Jesus who wants to??
The thing about all those workers in this large facility is they are more careful with each other, leave you alone, and don't try to be talkative when there is nothing really to say.
Some are really cool, I've made friends with quite a few, one of them was Gina. Gina worked on Angel's side, we liked her a lot. According to Angel she was the coolest one, but she was a crackhead. She was recovering, but fucked up. She went on this huge drug binge, and Goodwill tried to help her so much... gave her chances when she "No-call, no-showed". Angel tried to help her, and I felt bad for Angel when Gina was fired. Gina tried, didn't want to lose her job. But crack is a very addictive drug, and we're all held helpless to it.
Angel didn't take it so good, sometimes overwhelmed with anger both at work and home. I know this too, will pass.
we are both quite lonely. Who knew that a pair could spend so much time together but still feel lonely.
When I have a day off I spend it alone, sometimes I'll go into work just because I have nobody to talk to, and nobody seems to mind. Rather, some other people come in on their day off, maybe for the same reasons.
I am going back to California after christmas, I can't wait to see my family and friends. They even want to see Angel, but one of us has to work.
I miss being Jesus a little, maybe it could cycle once everyone has been Jesus who wants to??
Monday, December 1, 2008
Let Love ring, forget about the cash registers.
Well, the world looks a little bit different from the top of these sandals.
Seems like there's still more than enough troubles to go around and oddly enough they're all still tied to everything I was trying to tell people a long time ago.
Love.
If JJ's asshole ex loved his kids he wouldn't be leaving them scratching to make ends meet. If the folks Soli was talking about were at all loved by their fellow humans then their lot in life would be better as well. If Americans loved the rest of the people on the planet then those folks wouldn't feel the need to bomb and kill other folks for attention. If those folks with all the money at the top of the heap loved anything more than they loved money then the current crash might not be as bad.
Money. I'm pretty sure it's still the root of all evil. All those people preaching on the TV and the radio are no better than the money changers I tossed down the steps of the temple. Those pesky laws that would put me in jail just keep me from climbing a few towers and tossing folks out of 'em.
So how many of the folks here are making things to give the people they love this year? The gang I'm bunking with like doing this a lot. I even tried to make Laura a gift, but I think my carpenter skills have gotten a bit rusty.
That's a start. We'll have to see if I can post a bit more often this month.
Seems like there's still more than enough troubles to go around and oddly enough they're all still tied to everything I was trying to tell people a long time ago.
Love.
If JJ's asshole ex loved his kids he wouldn't be leaving them scratching to make ends meet. If the folks Soli was talking about were at all loved by their fellow humans then their lot in life would be better as well. If Americans loved the rest of the people on the planet then those folks wouldn't feel the need to bomb and kill other folks for attention. If those folks with all the money at the top of the heap loved anything more than they loved money then the current crash might not be as bad.
Money. I'm pretty sure it's still the root of all evil. All those people preaching on the TV and the radio are no better than the money changers I tossed down the steps of the temple. Those pesky laws that would put me in jail just keep me from climbing a few towers and tossing folks out of 'em.
So how many of the folks here are making things to give the people they love this year? The gang I'm bunking with like doing this a lot. I even tried to make Laura a gift, but I think my carpenter skills have gotten a bit rusty.
That's a start. We'll have to see if I can post a bit more often this month.
Who wants to be Jesus for the next two months?
Having met Jesus myself last Thanksgiving, I can tell you this is no easy task. It takes continuous searching and thinking and wondering about where you're standing at any given moment, with sheer certainty that you're either (1) never quite where you're supposed to be or (2) exactly in the right space.
Tericloth did a magnificent job at it in October and November. She just dove in, reframed the world through Jesus' eyes, and boom ... we were right there with her.
Does anyone want to be the next new Jesus? What will happen if no one wants to step in?
*****************************
In other news, I just got 300 copies of the book delivered late last week! Very exciting.
In other other news, our darter has announced that she's looking into being a Christian. The idea of "surrender" seems very appealing to her worried self, and I am all for whatever she wants for her life. She asked me if I believed in god, to which I said, "That's a really interesting question."
What I do believe in is friends. That's about as far as I'm willing to go right now.
Tericloth did a magnificent job at it in October and November. She just dove in, reframed the world through Jesus' eyes, and boom ... we were right there with her.
Does anyone want to be the next new Jesus? What will happen if no one wants to step in?
*****************************
In other news, I just got 300 copies of the book delivered late last week! Very exciting.
In other other news, our darter has announced that she's looking into being a Christian. The idea of "surrender" seems very appealing to her worried self, and I am all for whatever she wants for her life. She asked me if I believed in god, to which I said, "That's a really interesting question."
What I do believe in is friends. That's about as far as I'm willing to go right now.
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